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Random Thoughts


As the year comes to an end, I find myself reflecting on some random thoughts. Not necessarily the big things that happened this year, but the little moments that, at the time, seemed insignificant yet somehow stayed with me.

There are things I dreaded doing. Things I dreaded being asked. And things I dreaded having to explain.

Funny how life can change the meaning of the simplest things.

I used to dread going to the toilet for a number one without my phone. And then, inevitably, it would turn into a number two. There I was, stuck looking at the walls, with nothing but my thoughts for company. Who knew that something as ordinary as going to the toilet could become an exercise in confronting oneself?

I dreaded the period of job hunting. Not necessarily the applications or the interviews, but the constant question that seemed to follow me everywhere: “So, what do you do?” A seemingly innocent question. One that people ask without thinking much about it. But when you are unemployed, it becomes one of those questions you wish people would stop asking. Suddenly, something that should be a simple introduction feels like an explanation of your circumstances.

I dreaded contributing to discussions about money when I had no income. There is something particularly uncomfortable about sitting in a conversation where everyone is discussing finances, plans and responsibilities, and knowing that you have little or nothing to contribute.

I dreaded meeting friends. Not because I did not want to see them, but because I felt I had nothing interesting to share. My life had become a continuous cycle of job applications, waiting, hoping and trying again. What was there to talk about when every day seemed to revolve around the same thing?

And perhaps one of the things I dreaded most was borrowing money.

There is a certain vulnerability in having to ask for help, especially when you are accustomed to being independent. You find yourself having conversations you never imagined you would have, making requests you never thought you would need to make.

Looking back, I realise that these were not necessarily the hardest moments of my life. But they were moments that tested my pride, my patience and my understanding of myself.

Sometimes, it is not the big things that break you. It is the little things that slowly chip away at your confidence.

And yet, here I am, looking back at those moments with a little more perspective.

Perhaps that is what the end of the year does to you. It gives you the opportunity to revisit the things you thought you would never get through and realise that, somehow, you did.

For now, these are just random thoughts.




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